Let’s encourage men to lead by listening
And reward leaders for lighting the spark in others rather than shining it on themselves
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Hello again all,
I was quiet on International Women’s Day. I mean, I was busy: much like the Leyland Brothers in the 1970s, I travelled all over the countryside. I gave multiple keynotes. But I didn’t post anything on LinkedIn this year. I didn’t attend an IWD breakfast. For someone who worked to lift the percentage of women at leadership level for a decade, my feelings about March 8 are perhaps surprisingly mixed. There is still so much to do that choosing one day to draw attention to the issue of gender equity can seem like lunacy.
One of my ongoing pieces of client work involves facilitating a series of lunches with BAE Systems Australia to help their male engineering leaders really understand what the workplace can be like for female engineers. I do this by creating a safe space for women to share their lived experiences, and creating a mandate for the men in the audience to listen, not opine1.
This seems to be one of the biggest gaps still. Men are (generally speaking, #notallmen etc.) taught to express opinions and to be the expert in the room. Relatively few take it upon themselves to build skills in holding space; in listening without judgement; in encouraging collaborative conversations that open up new possibilities rather than take people down a well-trodden, linear path.
This lack of listening is not want people want at work. It’s one of the reasons why women leave the workforce and the leaky talent pipeline gets even more porous.
On a recent speaking tour, I took myself out for dinner and saw another example of the Leaders Who Do Not Listen Well phenomenon in action. Here’s what I jotted down as I ate my meal.
A Wild New Way of Leading
I’m writing this at a farm to table restaurant in Melbourne. I’m indulging in one of my pleasures whilst travelling: dining alone in great food joints.
Next to me, a twenty-something woman is being schooled in how to be successful by a forty-something man (later revealed to be her manager). I try to read my novel but our tables are squished together and I can’t help but hear their conversation.
The man is telling the woman how to get ahead at work. She doesn’t like his suggestions. She says they feel inauthentic. He tells her to ‘get over it’. That ‘it’s just what she has to do’. When she restates her reluctance, he tells her she ‘sounds like his thirteen-year-old daughter’.
I am gunning for him to go to the bathroom so I can quietly lean over and say this to her:
I have coached some of the most successful and authentic leaders in this country. And here’s something I can tell you for sure.
This man is playing the old game of work. If it feels right to you, you can learn the rules and get good at the game. But always remember that you are here to *change* the game. You are here to lead a new way of working; one that is based on inclusion, intuition, kindness and connection. In the future, people will follow *your* way of leading, and likely walk away from his. Remember this, and make decisions accordingly. Trust your hut2 (your heart + your gut). Do not do anything simply because someone in a more powerful position tells you it’s how it’s done. This man represents how things were done in the past. You will lead how things are done in the future.
Lo and behold, the man eventually wanders to the bathroom. The woman and I have the conversation. Upon his return, the three of us talk about work. He tells me that he works in change too, though he sees himself as a catalyst of change rather than a coach and guide.
Then these words came out of his mouth:
“I see change the way I see cannibalism. You’d better get to the table first”.
This is the old way of leading taken to the extreme. In the old way, work is a dog-eat-dog world. It’s a place where you sure up your turf and protect your interests at the expense of others. I can’t help but thinking of a tableful of three-year-olds eyeing each other off, elbowing each other out of the way and shouting “MINE!” as the last slice of pizza is served. A number of current-day old-school leaders are excellent examples of the me-me-me mindset of toddlers.
The old way of leading, seated in the fear-based, security-oriented left brain, sees resources as finite as colleagues as competitors.
The new way of leading uses a whole-brained approach. Resources are shared and colleagues are collaborators. The ability to use the right AND left hemispheres of the brain introduces creativity, innovation, empathy, connection and kindness to the mix.
This is what the next generation of followers want from their leaders. Highest on their list of priorities are leaders who are collaborative, flexible, empathetic and intuitive.3
Back to the conversation in the fabulous Melbourne restaurant. We share some anecdotes about his industry. We have a few laughs. We say goodbye and wish each other well. I do not judge this man. We are social animals: we learn by imitating others, and the leaders who came before schooled him in the old ways. But it’s time to break the chain.
Good luck old mate, I think, as he allows his colleague to pay the bill and saunters away. With the aid of prevailing tailwinds, you have come far. But don’t be surprised if, from this point forward, you’re going to find the sailing conditions changed, and the navigation tools updated. It’s a wild new world out there.
It’s time for a new way of leading. And I’m wondering: who’s with me?
A few sparks this month:
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A little reminder:
With much love,
Gemma
This works, by the way. I have been speaking to leaders about bridging the gender gap for many years, and this series of lunches created the largest number of a-ha moments I’ve seen yet. Well done to BAE Systems for being willing to think - and act - outside the box.
A thousand thank yous to Alexandra Franzen for this word. I like it a lot.
For more, follow the research of John Gerzema who, along with his co-author Michael D'Antonio, interviewed 64,000 people in 13 countries and found that we want to follow leaders who exemplify values that are traditionally seen as feminine.